The choice

Did you really choose us?

Some paranormal theory says, soul chooses the parents, the home and the location.

On this day (27.04) 4 years back, I got my test result for NIPT while I was pregnant to determine if my unborn child has Down Syndrome. 

I was heart broken, hurt, angry, sad for her diagnosis. 

We all want healthy babies, like we want ourselves to be healthy. 

The diagnosis said she will be having a harder life than others and will take us on that road too. Most clinicians before and after the test, advised us to get an abortion. But we made sure, we searched a lot and found few doctors who said otherwise.

1 day before my birthday while being pregnant, I got the result. I was in denial and thought this wont happen to me and then when the result came, I felt why me.

I read up a lot while I was going to have her. This word I found, stayed with me: ‘ENSOULMENT’.

When does a new life get its soul?

This was the question that I asked while reading. Is it when it’s an embryo or a foetus or later stages of foetus or on birth? Various religions had varied opinions on it.

As I was suggested for abortion, this is something I wanted to know, if I am removing the mass or the person or the soul. Who or what is it I am going to leave or keep?

Was I giving my baby a chance to see the world?

Or

Was I trapping her soul in a body with defects?

There were people who told me, if I were the child, I wouldn’t want such a life.

There were people who told me, it’s a life, and you should go by God’s will.

There were people who wanted me to be practical.

There were people who told me to do what I feel like.

But I was making a decision for another life, how could I be objective and right. I didn’t know, what was the right path, I didn’t know, if I was going to be a good person or mother in the future. What if I mess up. What if I bring him or her in the world and can’t provide enough. What if I wasn’t good enough. What if the child later in life resent being born. What if this person wants to come to me and I am letting go. What if this is how it’s supposed to be. What if I let the child go and repent. How will I tell parents of children with disabilities to love them, and escaped mine.

So many questions and not a perfect answer, because I was not having a ‘perfect’ baby. Today this photo flashed on my phone

and thought to myself, this is perfect.

I don’t know, if I am being biased, but I feel she is mesmerisingly beautiful. The eyes, the smile and the face makes her look divine. 🧿

Right or Wrong I don’t know, but I choose her. 

I don’t judge people who might have chosen to abort, because that’s one of the hardest things people go through. And I didn’t have the strength to go through it, so I had chosen otherwise.

I gathered knowledge about abortion too, doctor said it would be a normal delivery but as I had fibroids, I might need a C-section. Foetus would have life for few seconds to minutes after the delivery and then pass away. I asked the doctor, “then?”. She was taken aback by the question and paused, looked at me and said, “people give it to the sweeper”. That was when I had made my decision, I wouldn’t let my child go to garbage, if she /he could survive, fine, otherwise at least she/he would go respectfully.

With that much of expectation, the foetus’s journey began with acceptance.

Yes, that time, I had also thought, we would check for heart issues and if there was a significant issue, we would let go. But, nothing came up in the scan. 

Today, I am kind of glad heart issue didn’t come up, because if I would have let go, I would have missed meeting someone so special. 

I may seem very selfish saying this, but that is what I chose. I may have chosen a hard life for her, but:

We Chose Her. 

And as I quoted in the beginning, I hope:

She Had Chosen Us Too.